Don't Worry, There's Always Ira Glass
Contrary to popular belief and long lines of ex-spouses looking for certain members of this office – his name is Karl, he’s in the IT department, and he’s a total louse – to finally make good on 122 months-worth of alimony in arrears, we’re only good at promoting other people’s stuff.
And sitting around. And coming up with projects for our staff to do ‘cause we want them to keep busy, etc., but mostly promoting other people’s stuff.
Anything, really.
Watchbands – especially the metal-linked kind from the ‘80s that always pinched the skin.
Flip phones.
Hot ice cream.
Broken sandals (we called them, “New Zealand Cush Walkers,” look it up, they really took off in American Samoa. Wait, maybe don’t put “cush” in your Internet browser, we don’t want responsibility for any ensuing weirdness.)
Legless underwear. Subtropical vacations in Lincoln, Nebraska. The thing that happens when an unstoppable force meets and unmovable object (hint, it’s located in San Diego). Robots – countless robot promotions here, which is why so many people have robot dogwalkers these days. Decorative fuzzy socks for helicopter skids.
Since we can smell the skepticism - and our new Vice President of Corporate Affair’s copious amounts of La Vie Est Belle by Lancome, which is why all the windows are open – here’s what Ira Glass recently said about us on the subway, according to some kids we pay to follow him around and hide our business cards in his pocket when he’s trying to wrestle Cheetos out of the vending machine – his favorite commuting snack:
“They’ve participated in guerilla marketing campaigns, secret-shopped for major retailers, inspired action for brands, repeatedly explained to clients that SEO is undermining the structural support of major bridges, and wrote a forthcoming expose on why some marketing doesn’t work, aptly titled How In the Hell Do You Expect Us to Know How Marketing Works, which, their editor says, is pretty good, and ‘please tell them to send me the balance owed…and get these creepy kids away from me what with their armfuls of weird gold-lettered business cards.’”
“Furthermore, and unfortunately and tragically, they just went out and did this stuff. As in, nobody hired them to do it. Which is just super weird yeah? Whatever you do, don’t give them your phone number, or a car loan.”
Which is exactly why we don’t listen to Ira Glass.
Sure, we work on all sorts of projects for a variety of reasons for a diverse group of people, most of whom are not trying to take over Arkansas. But that’s not the point. The point is, we wrote another book…well, typed another book.
Sure, it’s filled with stuff really good looking avant garde people have already seen – maybe even possibly read through – before. But THIS time, it’s been EDITED, at first from a person on Craigslist who turned out to be a prostitute – he was super weird – and eventually by someone who went to the Professional Copy Editorz School of Greater Northwestern Madison Wisconsin. Who we also found on Craigslist. And also turned out to be a prostitute. But we ran out of time, so sorry for any typos.
Oh, it’s also been compiled into PAGES and CHAPTERS – although the latter may be arranged in a somewhat nonsensical sequence; which makes sense as we chose the space-time continuum as our organizational north star, and when was the last time that thing made any sense?
It's available at The Good Place in paperback, and The Bad Place in paperback and a super fancy electronic version. There’s a no obligation, hassle-free, 30-day free trial…wait. What? Oh, nevermind. Lawyer says no hassle-free trial. Or returns. Or any more promises.
Sorry. We tried.