Rust Never Sleeps

We hit the ground running in 2026, in no small part due to our latest training regimen:

LIFEFLIGHT4000: ATTACK THE SPACE IN FRONT OF YOU. WITH FISTS.

We built this regimen to put a full stop to the annual post-holiday malaise that always wrecks the kickoff of our various New Year Schemes…ah…our various Very Important Business Operational Initiatives.

The malaise being that thing people do when they come back from the two-week hiatus that encompasses popular global distractions like Christmas, Hannukah, Quanza, and similar scams, where they whine and moan and generally act like they’ve never gotten out of bed and commuted to a lightly refurbished, poorly ventilated, former Big Box Store to work on hard and soft technological advancements before.

As revealed by phrases our Employee Dissent And/Or Distraction Sensors routinely pick up EVERY YEAR during the first two weeks of January, including :

“Oh I don’t know what’s going onnnnnnnnn…”

“Oh man, we’re back, I’m not sure I’m ready [halfhearted laugh].”

“Oh, we’re back, let’s ease into all this okay, it’s sooooooo jarring [halfhearted laugh].”

“After being gone I realize I hate this place.”

And reinforced by the horrifically banal parlance this same sensor network picks up from the 12 Energy Vampires we’ve identified in our Mergers & Acquisitions division:

“Oh hey Paul, how was it [physically blocking door out of break room]?”

“Holidays? Yeah, I wasn’t able to work hard, so I played hard [hearty laugh]. How about you?” [Ignores question and launches into playing hard stories]

“Hey Amanda wha’d you git up to over break [physically blocking desperately needed Nespresso machine.]?”

“Oh here, have a seat, you’ll love this story. So we went skiing with the whole family and my youngest is so cute he ended up rolling in dog poop and [etc. etc. etc.]…”

Then, of course, escalating into a bunch of stuff the sensors pick up from the Sales Team that we absolutely don’t want to know:

“Dave. I’m pretty sure I killed a hooker last weekend.”

“Christmas makes me realize I have a prescription drug problem. Like, it’s really bad.”

“I’m spying for the Chinese Government.”

“I steal money from the petty cash under Laura’s desk to buy grape-flavored vapes.”

Thus, fourteen months ago, our crack team of Educational Content Strategists, who we nicknamed Tango Force Zero Niner Zero, began development of…

LIFEFLIGHT4000: ATTACK THE SPACE IN FRONT OF YOU. WITH FISTS.

…so there’s literally not one second wasted upon everyone’s glorious return to work after the holidays, and our revenue operations thus maximize and the market shares materialize and of success we no longer must theorize.

Here’s what this glorious week-long boot camp-styled regimen for All Heroic Employees And Their Managerial Overlords (that’s right, we spare no one, even the Chief Technology Lady with the broken arm had to attend) looks like.

Feel free to cut and paste into a PDF and distribute across your senior management for immediate implementation.

Or, if you need a customized version, just email our crack team of Educational Content Strategists for consultation at justjohn@outcasting.co.

Regimen Schedule

MONDAY AFTER HOLIDAYS

9:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. — Back To The Past, How To Survive In An Analog World.

Intense training on outdated technologies in case they come back. Generally covers the setup, use, cleaning, troubleshooting, and repair of:

· Overhead projectors (including wet-erase markers and transparency film)

· Fax machines

· Pushpin bulletin boards

· Manual transmissions

· Rotary dial phones

· Teleconferencing boxes

· The paper path in a Xerox copy machine

· Payphones

· 35mm slide carousels

· Cash machines

· Pagers

· The Post Office

(Free bagel lunch noon-1:00 p.m.)

TUESDAY AFTER HOLIDAYS

9 a.m. – 1:00 p.m. — The Culling

Employees participate in all business activities related to revenue. If none such activities exist within employee’s purvey, they visit Human Resources for…reassignment. Outside.

1:30 p.m. – 5:00 p.m. — Presentation: Why You’re Bad At Your Job

We read excerpts from 10 years of annual performance reviews, focusing on anything in the 1 - Unsatisfactory/Critical Failure rating.

After each reading, employees spend 15 minutes reflecting on the failure, then 15 minutes writing a “should-a” paragraph in pencil explaining what the offender should have done differently. Free Seiko watch for any employee identifying who’s review it is, tracking them down, and giving them the “should-a” documentation.

(Free homemade chili lunch with store-bought cornbread 1:00-1:30.)

WEDNESDAY AFTER HOLIDAYS

9:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. — Get Fit Or Die Tryin’: Secrets To Athletic Success, Which Leads To Financial Success

Single-Arm Turkish Get-Up (Quarter Reps): From supine, employees press 20-pound kettlebells overhead, kneel to stand halfway; switch, then do dramatic floor rolls for stability.

Reverse Lunge + Clean: Employees lunge back, clean 30-pound kettlebell to rack on front foot rise—then execute a playful lunge-dance for legs and power.

40-minute Pilates Class: Taught by celebrity trainer Nonna Gleyzer.

Sprint triathlon: Employees swim .5 miles, bike 12.4 miles, and run 3.1 miles. Not timed, equipment provided, including swimsuits.

60-minute hot yoga flow: We hear mployees love this bikram-style calorie burner amplified by the 105°F sauna.

Cooldown and breathwork: Employees end the day seated or lying down with 4-7-8 breathing. This calms cortisol and boosts parasympathetic recovery, all the better for top-notch revenue operations.

(Free berry-flavored protein shake lunch noon-1:00 p.m.)

THURSDAY AFTER HOLIDAYS

6 a.m. - 5 p.m. — Psychological Warfare 101

• 6 a.m. internal email blast stating every team gets to take FRIDAY AFTER HOLIDAYS off because “…LIFEFLIGHT4000: ATTACK THE SPACE IN FRONT OF YOU. WITH FISTS. is complete! Excellent work!”

• 9 a.m.-10 a.m. Light outdoor activities, not weather dependent. Choose between tether ball, whiffle ball, pickle ball, or push-ups.

• 10:00 a.m.-noon. Brunch. Sweet, savory, vegan, vegetarian, and extra meaty options provided by local chefs in conference room.

• 12:30 p.m. Internal email blast supported by company-wide Slack stating the 6 a.m. “You get Friday After Holidays off” was in-error and the appropriate parties have been disciplined by eliminating their position(s).

• 1:00-4:00 p.m. Townhall. Employees provide feedback on the New Year Strategic Plan (which they receive a hard copy of at 12:55 p.m.)

• 4:00 p.m. Internal email blast supported by company-wide Slack recognizing wavering morale.

• 5:00 p.m. Internal email blast supported by company-wide Slack stating every employee gets to take FRIDAY AFTER HOLIDAYS off because “… LIFEFLIGHT4000: ATTACK THE SPACE IN FRONT OF YOU. WITH FISTS. is complete! Excellent work! This time it’s confirmed!”

(No lunch provided.)

FRIDAY AFTER HOLIDAYS

9 a.m. - C-Suite: How’d We Do?

The entire Leadership team conducts a post-mortem on this year’s regimen, mostly to tally employee injuries, psychological trauma, lawsuits, and room for improvement.

(Lunch Menu: Beluga caviar blinis, lobster canapés, Wagyu beef tartare profiteroles, truffle arancini towers, champagne sabayon parfaits.)

It’s Not Bad That Works

This regimen regularly receives five-star reviews from Harper’s Bazar, Shooting Sportsman, Heavy Duty Trucking, and a variety of other well-regarded consumer-facing and/or trade publications. We’ve even received letters from various mayors, yacht manufacturers, and a few despots from Central Asia championing our strategy of making something bad seem less bad by making everything else way worse.

Plus, on the optimistic side of things, acknowledging what everyone already knows beats pretending it’s not happening every time. So there’s whole profitability-tied-to-trust thing going on.

But that’s way less fun to talk about than making things worse, even if it’s for all the right reasons.